Haiku for Villains—In the Interest of Equal Time

For that Colossus of Scholarship (Shout Out [Sorbiquet])
Cecil Rhodes was an
Anglophile of the worst kind:
Mirror-Mugabe
~P~

Multinational Corporations (Shout Out Amanda [Diva])
40 MNCs
On my block; the new Wal-Mart
Makes for 41
~P~

Hamburglar (Shout Out Jorvorskie Lane)
Being an addict
Is no excuse for stealing
Seek McCounseling
~P~

Brangelina (Shout Out Shiloh)
Maybe we should blame
Jennifer for not being
Attractive enough
~P~

Agent Smith
"Humans...a virus"
Like so many, he became
What he despised most.
~J~

Psychomachia
What nobler purpose?
Removing our worst aspects.
Result: Mr. Hyde.
~J~

Genesis 3:1
So much damage wrought
By an enemy bearing
no arms and no legs.
~J~

Wicked Perspective
Crusher of women.
Thief. Fugitive. Murderer.
Behold...Dorothy.
~J~

Beam me up Scotty...twice, please. (with appologies to Mr. Irons)
Transport accident,
Removing our worst aspects.
Result: Wimpy Kirk
~S~

All mixed up, don’t know what to do
One Holden Caufield,
Society was his worst
enemy: himself.
~S~

Vampire Perspective (the book version!) (again, with appologies to Mr. Irons)
Captor of women,
[Thief]. Fugitive. Murderer.
Behold...”Hero” Will Smith.
~S~

This Week We Haiku for Villains—In the Interest of Equal Time

Banality of Godwin
While we assume that
Villainy is inhumane
Animals don't sin
~P~

Idi Amin
My ex-bff
Thought The Last King of Scotland
Was about James V
~P~

Scar+Shere Khan>>Simba+Mowgli
Disney must want us
To like its villains, since they
Have the best voices
~P~

'Battlefield Earth' is Mitt Romney's Favourite Novel[1]
No one says where the
Enemy in Top Gun is
Supposed to be from
~P~

Villain or Victim?
A wretched creature.
Soul-twisted by the One Ring.
What’s taters, Precious?
~J~

One of the Best You’ve Never Heard Of
John Bly of “Brisco”.
Underrated foe in an
underrated show.
~J~

Why Hannibal Was So Terrifying
None “drove him to it”.
Lecter’s evil was simply
a matter of choice.
~J~

A Galaxy Far, Far Away...
Was Jabba so tough?
Did anyone ever try
pouring salt on him?
~J~

This Week We Haiku for Villains

Hitler or Magneto
Real or fictional,
They all represent evil.
The dark side of Man.
~S~

Your Turn
It’s a meager start,
But I know you’ll help me out.
Go! Write some haiku
~S~

This or That - جمعھ

Intellectual Property
Reading the book first
lets me feel superior
when I watch the film.
~J~

To Paraphrase My Mom...
Best to have something
And then not need it, than to
need, but not have it.
~J~

Presidential Parties
There are Democrats,
Republicans, and voters
whose guy never wins.
~J~

DIY Valentine’s Gift
Candy or Flowers?
Think outside the box, people!
Give cookbooks and seeds!
~J~

Ambigu-dextrous
Right or left-handed?
As a kid, I was both. Then
I got my mind “right”.
~J~

To Be or Not To Be
That is the question.
Is it nobler to suffer
the slings and arrows...
~J~

This or That - جمعرات

Secret Origins
Me: Evolution
Them: Intelligent Design
Wherein lies the truth?
~S~

Belly Talk
I have an Innie,
I figured we all had one!
Some have an Outie...
~S~

Man or Machine
Robot or Human?
I prefer Col. Austin,
Cyborg. Best of both.
~S~

Healthy Choices
Super size it or
medium fries and a coke.
Oh god, so lonely.
~m~

Hot Dog!
Ketchup or mustard:
such condiment decisions
make or break the meal.
~m~

Red Wine in the Afternoon
Choosy moms choose JIF
to make the kids' school lunches.
Whose mom buys Skippy?
~m~

Power to the PC
360's games rule
PS3's Blu-Ray sparkles
The Wii is still fun
~P~

Outlook Grim
Macs are for artists
PCs are for the office
Yet both run Windows?
~P~

Since they All Fall in My Palm I'll Take a Treo
iPhones create stares
BlackBerries produce addicts
Windows Mobile bores
~P~

Beatles or Rolling Stones
You may love them both,
but deep down you like one more.
Just one of those things...
~J~

Smoking or Non-Smoking Section
I may choose smoking.
Although I don’t smoke, often
they have more free seats.
~J~

Primal Needs
When I’ve worked so long
that I must choose food or sleep,
I sleep; dream of food.
~J~

This or That - بده,

Dog People or Cat people
Dogs spend their hours
Waiting for you to come home.
Cats don't know you've left.
~J~

Paper or Plastic
Either way you’re screwed -
Kill trees or fill a landfill.
Just bring a backpack.
~J~

Encouragers or Haters*
Congratulating?
Are you appreciating?
No? Then you’re hating.
~J~

*Thanks to my niece for that one

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - suk

Hypoco-friendly
Your precious Prius
Gets its electricity
From coal-burning plants
~P~

Yum! Brands for Your Feet
Converse Chuck Taylors,
Payless Shaqs and Cole Haan are
All [owned] by Nike
~P~

Jose Chung's "From Outer Space"
Aliens are real;
Otherwise pictures of them
Wouldn't look alike
~P~

Wolves? Where?
Hypertrichosis
Means "being really hairy;"
No moon is needed
~P~

Expiration Date
Products always break
ONE DAY after the warranty ends.
The Man strikes again.
~J~

Anti-Retroactive
My new 360
Won’t play my old X-Box games?
Bill Gates needs more cash?!
~J~

Why “Men In Black” Can’t Be True
What I can’t believe,
is that Smith & Jones could just
blend into a crowd.
~J~

Alien DNA Conspiracy?
Me, Air Force Brat. Born:
Wright-Patterson Air Force Base,
Where aliens live!
~S~

Truly Unfortunate
His discomfort grows.
She shifts nervously. Silence...
Viagra’s failed them.
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - pharuehat

Off the Rack
Stores like Old Navy
make me pay to wear clothes that
advertise for them.
~J~

Chance Encounter
I met The Man once...
“Why keep screwing me?” I asked.
He said, “And you are...?”
~J~

Animal Cruelty
For the love of God,
Stop torturing the rabbit...
Let him have his Trix.
~J~

Breast Reversal
The same docs who charged
To implant defective breasts
charged to remove them.
~J~

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Biggie and 2Pac.
Nobody saw nuthin’, right?
Not counting the cops.
~J~

Late Night TV
Ah, infomercials -
Where to begin? How about
with “Bald spot spray paint”?
~J~

The Second Ammendment (circa 1992)
When pogs are outlawed,
only outlaws will have pogs.
"... from my cold, dead hands!"
~m~

Of My i
ipods are shiny
so they scratch easily and,
you buy new ipods.
~m~

Glass Heeling
Men invented heels,
but why do women insist
on so many pairs?
~m~

Requiem for a Meme
So disappointed.
Subservient chicken is
just a viral ad.
~m~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - phut

The Button at the Crosswalk
That button’s there
To give us something to do.
It ain’t hooked up, y’all.
~J~

Alternate Street Parking
New York meter maids
Can’t wait for 3-day weekends.
They know you sleep late...
~J~

DST
Daylight Savings Time!
BUNK! I call shenanigans!
Don’t get me started!!
~J~

“Say it Ain’t So, Joe!”
A dual entry;
The White Sox scandal, of course,
and the quote’s a fake.
~J~

Open Letter to the Matrix
Since the world’s a lie,
why not hook a brother up
with that lottery?
~J~

Goes Without Saying
Threat level orange!
Weapons of mass destruction!
Mission Accomplished!
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - angkhan

McScam
Drive-thrus hedge their bets -
They take the cash first, and hope
You won't check the bag.
~J~

Red Carpets Cut Red Tape
When “science” and “facts”
won’t help you spread your message...
Go win an Oscar!
~J~

Naughty or Nice
Letters to Santa
Bring less gifts than those to the
Illuminati.
~J~

Moon Landing Hoax
Tranquilty Base,
This one’s for you to haiku.
You know who you are!
~S~

Faith Tells Me
Is it? Could it be?
Religion-Conspiracy.
Some say yes, some no.
~S~

Tabloids Lie
Tupac and Elvis
Aren’t protected witnesses.
They are dead, folks. Dead.
~H~

Crossroads double cross
For Robert Johnson
The quest for fame turned deadly
Faustian bargain
~H~

Twasn’t the man
That felled Marion
But crack and the FBI
“The b**** set me up”
~H~

Have you seen Capricorn One?
Ionizing Radiation
Coronal Mass Ejections
Yo! Van Allen Belts!
~W~

http://www.apple.com/macbookair/
Microsoft may rule
Offices and OSes
But Apple owns cool
~P~

Ourobulimia
In '73:
CBS sold Viacom.
'05? Vice versa.
~P~

Hype is (from) Universal
Kanye and [Curtis]
Battled for the Billboard spot
On the same label
~P~

What “30-day Free Trial” Really Means
“We hope you’ll forget
you signed up for this, then we
can start charging you.”
~J~

General Warning
Alcohol’s not bad,
And neither are cigarettes.
But pot’s a KILLER!
~J~

End of an Era
I was overjoyed
When Netflix killed Blockbuster.
And now for Starbuck’s...
~J~

Lowest Common Denominator
Buns (in packs of six),
And hot dogs (packs of eight), make
shoppers buy in bulk.
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - Definite

The Man
Just who is the man?
“How is he defined?” I ask.
I say he’s not me!
~S~

My Definition
We’re all little cogs
In the machine, and The Man
controls the software

Anytime Group A
Enters conflict with Group B,
The Man sells tickets.

Whenever someone
can’t do what they want to do,
The Man set it up.

It’s just like fate, ‘cept
Afterwards someone got paid -
You guessed it: The Man!

He is everyone,
And he’s no one; hangs out with
The “they” from “They say...”
~J~

Kudos
Bravo! Excellent!
The Man would sure be appalled!
You nailed it, dead on.
~S~

Crimen & Punishment - Frigedæg

Collateral Damage
He huffed, and he puffed,
And he blew their houses in!
No word from FEMA.
~J~

I Swear to Tell the Truth...
“Question, Your Honor -
You think I’m a killer, but
too noble to lie?”
~J~

Violet Crimes
Her gum-chewing ways
Earned her 25 to life;
as a blueberry.
~J~

See My Divest
Being able to
Use the Sherman Act would make
Monopoly fun
~P~

Boast & Toast
Deal: I'll stop snitching
When rappers stop being self-
Incriminating
~P~

John Pickering
The Senate first used
"High crimes and misdemeanors"
For impeaching drunks
~P~

Mann Act Up
Boxer Jack Johnson
Saved saved his wife from a brothel
And went to prison
~P~

Crime & Punishment - Þunresdæg

What the French, Toast?
These days, a potty mouth
earns British gum, instead of
A mouth full of soap.
~J~

Public Enemies
Malcolm and Martin.
Mandela, [Gandhi], and more.
Rebels with a cause.
~J~

Tainted Love
When I was a boy,
A fair maiden stole my heart -
I got her back, though.
~J~

Crime & Punishment - Wēdnes dæg

Synonymous Doesn't Mean the Same
To "Invite and House"
does not mean the same as to
"Draw and Quarter"
~J~

Caufield Complex
I feel for Holden,
Caught up in hipocracy.
Alone. Lost. Afraid.
~S~

The Phantom Zone
True “no-frills” prison -
You don’t even get to keep
your third dimension.
~J~

One’s Known for Crime, One’s Known for Punishment
I used to mix up,
IRA and IRS.
Bombing and taxes.
~S~

When Scattergories gets ugly (or Irons family game night)
“Ice Cream Popsicle”
Cold phrase sparked heated debate
Verdict? Brotha, please.
~H~


- Why You Shouldn’t Piss Off the Gods -

Tantalus
Hollow...empty ache...
No concept of “taste”... a dream
long since forgotten.
~J~

Arachne
They weave to this day.
Descendents of she who spun
wool like no other.
~J~

Prometheus
The light of mankind
Purchased with the tortured flesh
Of the last Titan
~J~

Narcissus
Love proved his downfall;
The goddess’ love for him,
And his for himself
~J~

Crime & Punishment - Tiwes dæg

Clean Getaway
Kids don't realize
that cookie crumbs constitute
damning evidence.
~J~

Smart Trip
Back-doors on the bus
Open, as if begging you:
"Do not pay your fare"
~P~

That's a Real World Challenge
Before GTA
Runing down pedestrians
Was but a pipe dream
~P~

Qatar-Middle East
Your peers detest you
When you never skip classes
But too much means "F"s
~P~

Crime & Punishment

Universal Language
The silent treatment
is aptly named; since talking
digs you in deeper.
~J~

Fashion Trends
Hip-Hop 101:
Jail time for pimps or dealers
is like the new black.
~J~

Negative Reinforcement
“Time-outs” for my dad
Meant time out of his schedule
To whup my behind.
~J~

Iowa Cockahoop
Underage drinking
Poses less of a threat than
Underage voting
~P~

Yo-ho-ho and A Barrel of BitTorrent
Music "piracy"
Lacks the swashbuckling of its
Nautical namesake
~P~

Timeout N.E.S.
Going to my room
Stopped deterring my mischief
After Nintendo
~P~

I Ledge a Peegance...
In the War on Drugs,
Uncle Sam retreated
from prohibition.
~J~

Wheel in the Sky
If Karma’s a [snitch],
It’s only because we all
keep abusing her.
~J~

Pre-packaged Bliss
Given what’s in it,
letting Timmy have dessert
is worse punishment.
~J~

Bittersweet Victory
Cheat codes aren’t as fun
Now that game developers
want us to find them.
~J~

Revenge… Russian style
Dostoevsky’s tome
On murderous thoughts made real
Inspired this haiku
~H~

Humbled by their honor
The Supreme Court! Lord!
My Black ancestors fought hard
For my right to write.
~H~

Karma
All things in cycles
All energy good and bad
Is returned. Ache.
~H~

Jinx! Buy Me a Coke!
Having uttered words
in unison, I hereby
demand my bounty.
~J~

Video Rental Warning (aka: Behold the Range of Tim Robbins)
“Hudsucker Proxy”,
“Shawshank Redemption”. Do NOT
get these films mixed up.
~J~

Kung Fu Justice
Take your lives and go!
But leave your limbs where they are -
They belong to ME!
~J~

Boundaries, Borders and Bridges – With Epilogue

Deadline
We scramble like mad,
Because one minute too late
Means it won’t matter
~J~

Flatline
Stress? Diet, maybe?
Her life, others’ lives drift by -
Arm numbs, vision blurs...
~J~

Lifeline
An ocean of light...
They struggle to reel her back
from the other side.
~J~

Headline: $100 Million to the Moon
“Life’s too short!”, she said.
“Near-death Survivor Buys Trip
To See the Heavens”
~J~

Welcome to ‘08!
May all of your syllables
Add up correctly
~J~