As Seen on TV - Mōnandæg

Dear 'Gossip Girl' and/or 'Chuck' Fans
Do not trust Josh Schwartz:
Season 3 of 'The OC'
Broke too many hearts
~P~

Fresh Prince of Taxicab Confessions
[This is] a story
All about how I DROVE from
Philly to Bel-Air?
~P~

Albert Clifford Slater
Breaking the 4th wall
Took Zack out of the TV
And into my heart
~P~

I chuckle aloud
every time I think of
"werewolf bar mitzvah"
~E[dot]S~

get this, ~P~
in fourth grade, Slater
showed up at the local gym:
impromptu field trip!
~E[dot]S~


Flights of Freshness
To squeeze in more laughs,
Will Smith’s plane ride wound up on
the cutting room floor
~J~

I shouldn’t laugh, but....
The expression on
the guy’s face when he slips makes
me LMAO!
~J~

Truth in Advertising
The Magic Bullet
(blender, not that other thing)
actually works!
~J~

Stories, Fables and Fairy Tales - Aoine

Eminently Practical
St. Patrick and the
Pied Piper- talk about a
perfect partnership!
~J~

According to Odysseus:
“For someone with no
depth perception, that cyclops
aims rocks pretty well!”
~J~

Jiminy Cricket: Failed Moral Compass
Wait...don’t stars have to
fall before getting wished on?
That puppet cheated!!
~J~

Girls Interrupted
Alice, Dorothy....
These days their next fantastic
trip would be rehab.
~J~

Stories, Fables and Fairy Tales - Déardaoin

Cow jumps over moon
So the cow's a lunatic
Ahhh, mad cow disease
~R~

How do Jews survive
Attacks by Count Dracula
With no crucifix?
~R~

Silver for werewolves
Magic weapons for dragons
Peasants had it rough
~R~

Sam had a demon
Dean had sex with an angel
John is simply dead
~R~

Woman in the shoe
Barely fed and whipped her kids
Sounds like child abuse
~R~

Stories, Fables and Fairy Tales - Céadaoin

Family Films
Somewhere there's a rule:
No child in a Disney film
should have 2 parents.
~J~

L.R.R.H.
What kind of costume
Did the Big Bad Wolf put on
to trick the Grandma?
~J~

The Moral of the Chocolate Factory
When charming madmen
Show you experimental
candy, don't eat it.
~J~

Kanga & Roo were a Folie à Deux
Did you realize
Winnie the Pooh was stuffed, but
Rabbit was alive?
~P~

The Gemeinschaft is Always Gesellschaft on the Other Side
City/Country mice
Are a false dichotomy—
[What about suburbs?]
~P~

AKA How the Leopard Got His Spots
Kipling's best work was,
"How the Ethiopian
"Was Racially Slurred."
~P~

Men, Women, and Relationships - ♃

H
Friend, family, wife.
Three distinct ways to love, one
amazing woman.
~J~

Unspoken Wedding Vows
As the world rains down,
we are both umbrellas, and
hold the other high.
~J~

The Secret
No gentle caress
could be as intimate as
simple eye contact.
~J~

Molly Ringwald
Treated unfairly,
she waits just two hours for
redemption at prom.
~Мир~

G-Chat Romance
I gave you my heart.
Then you gave me your last name
next to a green dot.
~Мир~

Office Productivity
Before computers
how did flirting coworkers
send each other links?
~Мир~

Why all the Drama?
Love's really just a
personnel search with a tough
security clearance.
~Мир~

But...
If it weren't for love
our radios would crackle
for lack of pop songs.
~Мир~

Men, Women, and Relationships - ☿

The "Settling Down" Equation
The point of dating
Is to do it so well, that
you can stop dating.
~J~

"Yes, dear. You're Right Dear..."
It wouldn't be so
Hard to say if it wasn't
so true so often.
~J~

*Disclaimer
Note: The previous
haiku is in no way an
admission of guilt
~J~

Seapration Anxiety
I can not sleep well,
When my Pooh goes out of town.
The bed is empty.
~S~

Separation Anxiety Part 2
Why is she bothered?
"Shawn went away" is just part
Of IM culture.
~S~

Online "Dating"
There's no way to tell,
if the picture she posted
is 20 years old.
~m~

Soul Mates
Waiting for The One
doesn't mean you can't enjoy
the two or the three.
~m~

Old Joke
If it's true that there's
a person for everyone,
they must be busy.
~m~

First statement
There is just no way
I want to get into this
before I am drunk.
~E[dot]S~

I lied; this is my favorite topic.
Love relationships:
The drama is absorbing,
whether good or bad.
~E[dot]S~

From myself, a year ago
Here is my advice:
Do not date anybody.
Anywhere. Ever.
~E[dot]S~

Last night's reprisal
According to my
tearful, broken-hearted friend:
"NEVER fall in love."
~E[dot]S~

Obviously, I am still single
"You have more dates than
anyone I know," she said.
Thanks, Adams Morgan!
~E[dot]S~

What's Your Sign?
Back in the 80's,
people's shirts read "Boy" and "Girl";
It was hard to tell.
~J~

A Night to Remember
I can't recall Prom.
No, I wasn't drunk or high,
I just blocked it out.
~J~

Famous Last Words
"Hey, we need to talk..."
"This isn't what it looks like!"
Anything with "bit*h"
~J~

These are from K
My awesome roommate
deserves to have her haiku
read (judged?) by strangers.
~E[dot]S~

Arriving at Scott's
He shivers in his shorts
We kiss in the doorway and
He pulls me inside
~K~

Unrequited
Sometimes you think that
The one who's perfect for you
Is also a douche.
~K~

My philosophy
Love and playing games
Should refer to sexy roles
Not causing drama
~K~

For E[dot]S
Who can predict the
Vicissitudes of the heart?
So don't give up hope.
~K~

I am forty-six
When I say that I'm single
"So what's wrong with you?"
~R~

Why are the planets
Mars and Venus drawn into
our Earthly dramas?
~R~

We remember 8
6 7 5 3 0 9
But who is Jenny?
~R~

There is no way to
win if she is always right
Just grin and bear it
~R~

Someone once said "There
are no happy endings for
nothing ever ends."
~R~

Politics/In the News - THE Mega-Meta-Haiku *Explained*

Quite a display there!
I hope it's not your last, but
the first of many...
~J~

Breaking the Pattern
You have stumped me, sir.
Could I buy a vowel? Or,
maybe phone-a-friend?
~J~

Past, Future, Present
The campaign has bridged all three
As have these haiku
~R~

Thinking Outside the Xbox
Obama's campaign
has started placing their ads
In videogames.
~J~

They're Actually Quite Stressful
Unlike Legoland
or Disney World, "Swing States" aren't
as fun as they sound.
~J~

--------------------------------
A Future Present, Passed to You
See? This is fun, right?
Only took me a year to
Talk you into it :)
~J~

Time management
This is tempting but
I'll haiku more on Monday
Microsoft Excel
~m~

Politics/In the News - THE Mega-Meta-Haiku

“Spread the Wealth Around”?! NOOOOOOO!
This argument works
Because people won’t believe
Just how broke they are
~J~

Celebrity Endorsements
I couldn’t care less
how each Baldwin votes. Their films
denote poor judgement.
~J~

I think I’ll vote Blue
I live in Alabama
My vote is wasted

Powell and McCain
Each was a career soldier
But one lost his way

How can a tax plan
That is based on borrowing
Get us out of debt?

Experience Test
Why is it Obama fails
But Palin succeeds?

On November 4th
With heads bowed in disbelief
We will watch theft three

If Joe was a plant
To make Obama look bad
Why do we listen?

I’m a Democrat
I have lots of friends who aren’t
But we all suffer

We watched the campaign
At Al Smith’s memorial
We saw John McCain

Biden or Palin,
If the President is killed
Which one would you trust?

The RNC paid
One hundred and fifty K
For hockey Mom clothes?

The Bradley Effect:
Does Obama need to fear?
Are the polls correct?

The new agenda:
Afghanistan and Iraq
Can Bush add Iran?

We are told to fear
Al Queda and Taliban
I still fear the Klan

I have a plan for
the economic crisis
try debtfree.com

Why is it taboo
To tell folks you’re a Muslim
In America?

The Wall Street bail out
Was more a Socialist act
Than “spreading the wealth”

What about ACORN?
What happened to William Ayers?
Let’s try socialist
~R~

Quite a display there!
I hope it’s not your last, but
the first of many...
~J~

Breaking the Pattern
You have stumped me, sir.
Could I buy a vowel? Or,
maybe phone-a-friend?
~J~

Politics/In the News - منگل

**Action Hero Politics**

Campaigning Machine
Sent from the future
to stop "He who unites them".
The Palinator.
~J~

Lieutenant John McCain
Sure it's not McClane?
He never gives up either!
Yip-kai-yay, mutha---
~J~

There Is No Spoon
McCain let it slip;
The One..."THAT One"...close enough.
Here, have a cookie :)
~J~

Dispatch
On the campaign trail,
first, there's Haiku Monday. Then:
Epic Poem Tuesday
~Мир~

You Mean, Like Colin Powell?
I'd just like to say
That some rational people
Vote Republican
~P~

The Middle Name? Not so Much.
Obama's mom had
An odder first name than he:
She was called "Stanley"
~P~

In An Alternate Reality
Bob Barr stays in the
GOP and becomes king
Of the Elephants
~P~

Directly Quoting André Benjamin
"Why should I vote? It's
"Like choosing which bullet you're
"Gonna get shot by."
~P~

Directly Quoting Theodore Roosevelt OR It Takes a Palin
"Friends[...]I have just been
"Shot, but it takes more than that
"To kill a Bull Moose."
~P~

Obama vs. Palin for Main Street U.S.A.
Whose views are closer
(Alaskans or Hawaiians)
...geographically?
~J~

Politics/In the News - پیر

This election year -
So much good material...
So few syllables.
~J~

Obama or McCain?
Looks like 2 choices:
You can hope for a change, or
Just hope your guy lives.
~J~

Obama
I like the guy, but
Electing a messiah
is a bad idea.
~J~

McCain
Republicans are
Masters of spin. "Who us?
WHAT eight crappy years?"
~J~

It's hard at work but
I've been missing these haikus.
Here's one to start off.
~m~

Flake Rate
On Sunday morning
electoral politics
are no match for brunch
~m~

The Honorable Miss Alaska
"Caribou Barbie "
Call me "sexist", call me "pig",
But it's still funny!
~S~

Vote Vader '08
Together we all
Can rule the galaxy as
Parents and children
~P~

Vote Kenobi '08
Help me Obi-Wan:
Our most desperate hour?
You're our only hope
~P~

Vote Emperor Palpatine '08
Your feeble skills are
No match for the power of
The Force's Dark Side
~P~

You Don't Need to See Our Voter Identification
R2-D2 and
C-3PO are the droids
You've been waiting for
~P~

Vote Chewbacca '08 ('Cause Droids Don't Pull People's Arms out of their Sockets When They Lose)
I see your point and
Suggest a new strategy:
Let the wookie win
~P~

Identity Crisis
I used to be a
"Real American", then I
left my small town.
~J~

Financial Meltdown
As L.L. might say-
Yo! Don't call it a "bailout",
We'll be screwed for YEARS!
~J~

A Question for Conan
How are things in France?
I hear that your currency
Is still worth something...
~J~

Bailouts/Layoffs
When I crushed the roach
scuttling by, I understood
how Corporate views me.
~JK~

A Dubious Honor
Jack-o-lantern sneer
in place for the debate, he
out-scaries Cheney.
~JK~

Animated McCain
Beet-faced warrior.
His ears become kettle-spouts
Of sound and fury
~J~

Animated Obama
...and cherubim sing.
Cool-blue halo resting on
margins of error.
~J~

Priorities
The market crash makes
racism a luxury
no one can afford
~m~

Party aside
If the average Joe
was informed as the plumber,
we'd be in good shape.
~m~

----

Adding E[dot]S.
I think she'd appreciate,
and she's witty, too.
~m~

thanks for adding me
please be gentle when you judge
this is my first try
~E[dot]S~
...

I call this "Sarah: A Tryptich"

Sarah Palin: 1
mesmerized I gaze
at your hair, its shine and height
cannot look away
~E[dot]S~

Sarah Palin: 2
strange suspicion grows:
you are the only reason
I watched the debate
~E[dot]S~

Sarah Palin: 3
I've never wanted
someone I adore so much
to just disappear
~E[dot]S~

Party's Over...Here (re:Party aside)
For years we've all slept
behind the wheel, chasing the
American Dream.
~J~

----
Welcome E[dot]S-
Ms. Palin would be honored,
betcha by golly!
~J~

Homage to "Undecided Voter"
You're not sure? Are you,
As we understand the term,
A sensate being?
~JK~

Famous Quotes

You Tell ‘Em!
Whitney Houston said:
"First of all, we don't do crack!
"Crack's for poor people!"
~J~

Political Support
The Governator,
When asked about McCain's health -
"It's not a tooma!"
~J~

Nelly Logic
"It's getting' hot in
here, so take off all your clothes!"
Sounds reasonable.
~J~

Regular Schedules / The Daily Grind

My Money's Worth
Once I've brushed my teeth,
I might delay breakfast for
maximum value.
~J~

Leap Year
After 4 years, the
Gregorian calendar
gives us our change back.
~J~

The Future is Now
Our DVR
Makes the concept of "Prime Time"
quaint and obsolete.
~J~

My First Job
Nobody told me
that your lunch hour
includes travel time
~J~

Payday
On Friday at three
The check is in my mailbox
Remuneration
~m~

Sign of the Times
The phrase "like clockwork"
is meaningless now that our
clocks are digital.
~m~

Ides of April
While both are certain,
at least with taxes you know
when you have to pay.
~m~

Travel Time
You mean all this time
Lunch started when I left work?
That's preposterous!
~S~

New Job Blues
I've gotten used to
The monotony and grind
Of the job I have.
~S~

My Time
Standing at the stove
Listening to NPR
Cooking, relaxing
~S~

Media Wh*re
Watching Japanese
Movies, DVDs, TV,
Much better than sleep.
~S~

Pet Peeve #37
To be considered
"a season", a show needs more
than 10 episodes.
~J~

TGIF
Weekends were "Free" Time.
Now it's "Stuff I Couldn't Do
During the Week" time.
~J~

Tearier Relativity
When you're six years old,
a 5-minute time out seems
like eternity.
~J~

Moment of Silence
Let us pause, dear friends.
Philip will be taking a
haiku hiatus...
~J~

RE: Haiku Hiatus
"I've grown accustomed
To his emoticons," sang
Professor Higgins.
~Мир~

My Brother Has to Work on His Birthday
No birthday time off.
Age may come before beauty,
But duty trumps age.
~J~

Fantasy Island Itinerary
“Dear guests, please resolve
your lifelong issues before
the next guests arrive.”
~J~

Date Night
My true love and I
spent 10 long years not dating.
Pick you up at 8.
~J~

Direct Deposit
It’s like the love child
of the banking industry
and the Tooth Fairy.
~J~

Ethnic Combover
As my bald spot grows,
my monthly dreadlock-trimming
grows more infrequent.
~J~

Never Be Late Again
Why can’t subways be
built more like roller coasters?
Commuting!! Wooo-HOOOO!!!
~J~

Fiscally Fit
Subtle protection.
Like hushed wars of white blood cells...
Bills on autopay.
~J~

My 5-year-old Self Thought I’d Be Rich by Now
A great plan, but the
millionaire mountain-climber
market went under.
~J~

Software Evolution Theory
I guess I fear change.
I decline the free updates.
Remind me later.
~J~

Joint Custody in Hell
Every two weeks,
Damien spends the weekend
with his dad. Awk-waarrd.
~J~

The Zen of Marriage and Meals

Culinary wants

are tempered by compromise:

Burger meets Gouda.

~H~

Martha Stewart Ain't Got Nothing on My Mama

Mom raised nine children

Ensures hundreds more are schooled

And she bakes from scratch.

~H~

"Clean House", Curing OCD One Episode at a Time

There's a perverse joy

In seeing filthy dwellings

Purged through comedy

~H~

Scary Things - ホワイトデ

Why My Phone Calls are Short and Dull
Big Brother listens,
But I’m not obligated
To entertain him.
~J~

Your Nerd is Showing
That look...when sci-fi
comments have to be explained:
Pity meets blank stare...
~J~

Blasé About Pascal's Wager
Can Mormons' G-d "Play
"Dice with the universe" well
If he can't gamble?
~P~

Dadaedalus
Where's the line between
Being a nonconformist
And nonfunctional?
~P~

Gateway "Fug"
Bowdlerization
Might desensitize me to
Real profanity
~P~

A World Without Wikipedia
I would only “get”
about half of P’s haikus...
Plus be more dumber.
~J~

A World Without Google
Like they said in school,
“The only stupid query
is one you don’t ask.”
~J~

A World Without Ebay
Where else would I find
all the crap I once had the
good sense to throw out?
~J~

Drivers On Cell Phones
You can use your phone
to take nice photos of the
accident you caused.
~J~

Sho’Nuff: The Shogun of Harlem
Kung fu gangleader.
One scary mo-fo, thanks to
the Glow...(and Soul Glo).
~J~

Medieval Dragons
They breathed fire, right?
Do you think they cooked things
while they were eating them?
~J~

Real Life Stuff
Your first house...first child...
saying “I do.” All those things
that mean you’ve grown up.
~J~

Scary Things - Jerdrein

Going to the Doctor
Not going (because
we fear hearing bad news) makes
bad news more likely.
~J~

They’re All Around You
People who believe
W’s presidency
hasn’t been so bad.
~J~

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton’s fame;
Simply because I fear what
I don’t understand.
~J~

Scary Things - Jecrean

Dreamcatcher-22
Leaving the office
I fear both missing emails
And receiving none
~P~

Education Secretary
Misspellings haunt me
Long after the reader has
Forgotten my words
~P~

Siege Oedipus
I'm perilously
Close to calling most female
Authorities, "Mom."
~P~

'Guns' are the New 'Bully'
How safe are the schools?
In my day we played and learned.
Biggest fear? Bully.
~S~

Job Insecurity
being caught sneaking
back from a very long lunch.
will they notice me?
~S~

I Was Trippin'
A once affected
Employment of slang is now
Natural to me
~P~

The Reality of the Situation Comedy
I don't watch 'Idol'
Not because I won't like it
But because I will
~P~

(._.)
My sincerity
Is confused for sarcasm
Even with smileys
~P~

Alone at Night
The child in his bed.
Shadows shift in the corner.
Parents sound asleep.
~J~

Dietary Supplements
You have centipedes
and cats...recipe for a
self-solving problem.
~J~

Sidewalk Dangers
Inside my pocket,
I grip my keys extra tight
crossing over grates.
~J~

Calls from Family
I live far from them.
Each call, a part of me fears,
harbors tragedy.
~J~

Coming Out
I suppose it's time
to conquer my senseless fear
of emailed haiku.
~Мир~

Adolescent Intuition
In high school I feared
not getting the answer wrong,
but getting it right.
~Мир~

Stairs Are Not For Excercise
An elevator
is a small, sealed, empty room
supported by string.
~Мир~

Superpowers
Did you ever play
the icebreaker where you choose
to fly or to hide?
~Мир~

True Confessions (JK and Мир)
Welcome, and thank you.
I was beginning to fear
no new folks would write.
~J~

Identity Theft
I cross out numbers
Before shredding documents.
And I'm still not safe.
~J~

Falling in Love (Resistance is Futile)
In truth, commitment
is like falling; once you land
It’s kinda comfy.
~J~

Global Warming (Pollution/Toxic Waste/Blah-Blah-Blah...)
It used to scare me.
Now I just recycle more
and hope for the best.
~J~

Scary Things - Jemayrt

In Tandem (The Plug!)
This week's sketch battle.
Put pencil to paper...twice,
And draw "Scary Things."
~S~

Drawing isn't scary (SHAMELESS!)
"draw...please draw," I ask.
Be creative here and there.
Talent not needed.
~S~

Arachnids
Eight-legged animals
[Inherently] creep us out
(Yes, even Sleipnir)
~P~

Clowns
You know they are not
Really that happy: an all
Too familiar lie
~P~

Babies
Able to command
Our hearts, but not their own
Gastrointestine[‡]
~P~

[‡] OR Poetic Learner's Permit
When I make up words
I worry people think I
Don't know they are fake
~P~

Because I Can't Sleep When Centipedes Roam the Molding, and I Have Cats
Aqua Net is a
useful substitute when Raid
isn't an option.
~JK~

Scary Things - Jelune

Real or imagined,
Some stuff freaks you the hell out.
That's this week's topic.
~J~

The Unknown
The final frontier...
The undiscovered country...
Odd-numbered "Trek" films...
~J~

Studies Have Shown...
Most fear death less than
public speaking. From the grave:
"Whew! Dodged that bullet!"
~J~

Blind Date Surprise
(Disclaimer: Views expressed in the haiku below do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management.)
Is she pretty? Check.
Great personality? Check!
Three kids? Wow...Check please!
~J~

The Low-Hanging Fruit
As Roosevelt said,
"The only thing we have to
fear, is fear itself"
~J~

In Honor of Radio Raheem - An Aoine

What's Not to Love? (An Ode to JI and PB)
They cover the news,
Write trenchant haikus, and are
Kind to nut-case Jews.
~JK~

Ain't Talkin' Tiddlywinks
Don't hate the player:
Hate the game (just dislike the
Player for playing).
~P~

Inanmiation
When you love something
Don't set it "free;" nobody
Enjoys rejection
~P~

Apollo 13
Jim Lovell's highest
Civilian honor: Having
Been played by Tom Hanks.
~P~

Loveline
It's a shame that Drew
Pinsky is less famous than
Adam Carolla
~P~

Movie Review
We watched Black Snake Moan.
Does ‘Skanky girls need love too’
count as a moral?
~J~

James Todd Smith
Ladies Love Cool James;
Few rappers’ aliases
are whole sentences.
~J~

A Rasta Once Told Me....
“Don’t appreci-ate,
appreci-love!” Don’t blame me
cause you ‘ate h’s.
~J~

If Bush Had His Way
Gynecologists
Could “practice their love” freely
across the country.
~J~

Bridge to Terabithia
Beloved childhood tomes
Made into flashy movies
Often let me down
~H~

Lift every voice and sing
Black History month’s
anthem always sounds dreary
Folks, sing it with love!
~H~

In Honor of Radio Raheem - An Déardaoin

Tragically Delicious
I want to lose weight -
Unfortunately, CakeLove
is on the way home.
~J~

Minnie Ripperton’s “Loving You”
I keep trying to
make a haiku with this song...
but I got nuthin’.
~J~

Tin Roof...rusted
Stipe says the Love Shack
line doesn’t mean “She’s pregnant”.
Urban myth...busted.
~J~

20 Years Later, It’s Still Funny
Mouse A mugs Mouse B -
“Give that back! That’s NACHO cheese!”
HA! I love that joke!
~J~

In Honor of Radio Raheem - An Chéadaoin

Better than a Boat
Let’s start a Love Train,
people all over the world!
Let’s wash our hands first!
~J~

Red, White, Black, Brown or Green (or Why do people assume their ignorance is shared?)
Don’t assume I hate.
Racist comments have no place
In my inbox. (f**k!)
~S~

How Heavy a Haiku? (Lovely...)
Mostly just for fun,
But sometimes my poetry
Becomes a soapbox.
~S~

Bring the Heavy
All weights are welcome.
I’d love for this to become
truly expressive.
~J~

Method to my Madness
Part of the reason
I chose the “Love/Hate” topic
was to help do that
~J~

The Root of Ignorant Hate
Where does it come from?
Poor self-esteem is my guess,
Haters: Try Yoga!
~S~

the bridge between hate and love
On a lighter note,
I present the following
Three lines of haiku:

More Milkshake (The Lowbrow)
Just which body part,
Brings all the boys to the yard?
I’d sure love to know!
~S~

Natural High
There exists nowhere
a more powerful tonic
than a lover’s smile.
~J~

Grammar by Blige
Conjugation was
redefined when Mary J.
coined “hateration”
~J~

Isosceles
Looking up, he saw
his true love through the window,
in her true love’s arms
~J~

Love and Hate Personified
Radio Raheem
wore his heart not on his sleeve,
but on his knuckles.
~J~

AAVEtymology
I am pretty sure
"Hateration" derived from
The pun "Haterade."

Keep in mind that "hate"
— In this sense — is more about
Envy than contempt

"Haters" pull down their
Peers like the proverbial
Crabs In a barrel

While a "hater" can
"Come at" their betters, they are
Nothing to a boss
~P~

In Honor of Radio Raheem - An Mháirt

Put Another Way
The only rule is
‘love’ or ‘hate’ (or some version)
must appear each time.
~J~

Once More, with Feeling
I hate deja vu.
I feel like fate’s reminding
me that I am its b****
~J~

My Application to Harvard
Question: What do you
do in your spare time? I wrote
“Hate on rich people.”
~J~

The Actual Poem is Kinda Raunchy
“I think that I shall
Never see a poem as
Lovely as a tree...”
~J~

Milkshake Meme
Sing There Will Be Blood
To the tune of Maroon 5's
Hit, "She Will Be Loved."
~P~

Yoda Koa[n]
Fear leads to anger;
Anger leads to hate; hate leads
To Meet the Spartans.
~P~

Poor AIM
Once I finally
Saw Annie Hall, the word "lurve"
Ceased being funny
~P~

"Miss Nancy" and "Aunt Fancy" OR A Haiku Not About A Movie
Avuncular love
Made Harriet Lane the best
Of all First Ladies
~P~

Awards and Accolades - Dydd Gwener

Linkin Park > Outkast?
Hybrid Theory
Is the best-selling album
Of this century
~P~

Johannesburg's Own Steve Nash
The best basketball
Player born in Africa
Is Canadian
~P~

Bogus Award
“World’s Best Mom?” “Best Dad”?
But that shelf’s FULL of mugs! What’s
your criteria?
~J~

Grammy Nominee – Worst Battle Rap
“I have scads more things
than you. Nice things...and money...
And I date a lot.”
~J~

Denied the Gold
I was dodgeball king.
Then I grew up and found out
it wasn’t a sport.
~J~

Most Optimistic – Charlie Brown
Optimism? Nah.
Repeated head trauma has
impaired his judgement.
~J~

Awards and Accolades - Dydd Llun

Achievements
X-Box Achievements:
Triumphs you don’t know you want
until you get them.
~J~

There Will Be Blood
Cold, calculating
crazy folks have a real knack
for winning Oscars.
~J~

Pretty Pictures - جمعھ

This Week’s Silence
My words aren’t flowing,
But the ink from my pen is.
Drawing. No haiku.
~S~

Touch and Go
The touch of the pen,
On paper facinates me.
Light lines thick lines.
~S~

Chirality is Dead
A Möbius strip
Is as close as we'll get to
Escher in real life
~P~

1982 Pontiac Trans Am OR The Non-OnStar Talking Car
The eighties' future -
Knight Industries Two Thousand -
Is unrealized.
~P~

This Week’s Silence - Response
I feel you, brother.
Art, like all calls from within,
cannot be ignored.
~J~

Website in the Works
Very soon, the phrase
“Never Take a Bear’s Ballon”
will make sense to you...
~J~

Sword
The pen on paper,
Creating pictures or words,
Mightier than the...
~S~

Mighty Mouse
Viewing many fast,
Static pictures can move.
Cartoons are magic
~S~

The Very Old Testament
For centuries, the
“Greatest Story Ever Told”
was told through pictures.
~J~

Magazine Covers
Tyra fights to keep
stars off the land conquered by
the supermodel.
~J~

Interactive Storytelling
Before online play,
Nintendo, or even Pong,
there were pop-up books.
~J~

Pretty Pictures - جمعرات

Not to be Confused with Unipegs
Mate a unicorn
With Pegasus and you get
♥Pretty pegacorns♥
~P~

Like Goofy Walking Pluto
Charmmy Kitty is
Hello Kitty's "pet" persian.
Straight up slavery.
~P~

We Major (in Political Philosophy) OR Concupiscence Offset Trading OR Kanye's Conundrum OR I Liked The Lyrics Challenge
Are "strip clubs cool if
"My tips helped send a pretty
"Girl through school?" Doubtful.
~P~

In Theaters Now
Giant 3-D heads
of Bono and the Edge for
Two hours? I’ll pass.
~J~

Pitchfork Trivia
The couple in Wood’s
“American Gothic” are
brother and sister.
~J~

The Artist
Mindscape awash with
truths beyond color and form.
Stay inside the lines.
~J~

Paraphrased Headline from The Onion:
“Michael Bay Uses
CG to Build ‘Best Actor’
Award for Himself”
~J~

Pretty Pictures - منگل

Sistine Chapel
Michelangelo
created a masterpiece:
Creation's Master.
~J~

“Christina’s World”
When I saw Wyeth,
I knew I was destined to
become an artist.
~J~

Not My Style
“Ed, Edd, and Eddy”
is one cartoon I can’t watch...
Those kids just look gross.
~J~

Strike a Pose
Paparazzi thrives
because we blend our hating
with hero-worship.
~J~

Lyrics - Iovis

Roses=International Players' Anthem
Big Boi seeks one thing:
"I want to see your support
"Bra, not support you."
~P~

I Love You Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake
"You know my style, I'll
"Say anything to make you
"Smile." ~ Curtis Jackson
~P~

Killing Me Softly (L. Boogie Version)
"Strummng my pain with
"His fingers (One time!) Singing
"My life with his words."
~P~

Whatever Happened to...
“Where in the world is
Carmen Sandiego”...and
where’s Rockapella?
~J~

Friends ‘Til the End
2Pac and D.U.
Hooked up on “I Get Around”.
Hip Hop Reunion.
~J~

Anya’s Theory
“What do they need such
Good eyesight for anyway?!
IT MUST BE BUNNIES!!”
~J~

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black-Eyed Peas
“Hip Hop is Dead” (Nas)
featured the Peas’ Will.I.Am.
Now that’s irony...
~J~

Buffy’s Problem
“Why can’t I feel? My
Skin should crack and pe-el, I
Want the fire back...”
~J~

Tara’s Problem
“I’m under your spell,
Willow, can’t you see, there’ll be
nothing left of me...”
~J~

Dawn’s Problem
“Does anybody
even notice? Does any-
one even care...” - YOINK!
~J~

Lyrics - Mercurii

2 Live Crude
Luke’s “Me So Ho***y”
went to the Supreme Court...tame,
by today’s standards.
~J~

Wonka-licious
The Candy Man can...
He sprinkles it with love and
Makes the world taste good :o)
~J~

The Tao of Hokey Pokey
Equal opposites..
and then we come full circle.
What it’s all about.
~J~

Lyrics - Martis

Praise High Heaven
Yusef: "A scale of
"One to ten cannot appraise
"A fly eleven"
~P~

Did You Really Listen to the 'Spider-Man 3' Soundtrack?
"Beautiful ponies
"So beautiful they will kill
"Us all" - Black Mountain
~P~

Nas Liked 'The Hulk' TV Show
"Keep it green like the
"Other side of Bill Bixby"
Means "to have money."
~P~

The Song Remains the Same
The lyrics may change,
But Elmo sings all his songs
like they’re “Jingle Bells”.
~J~

Black Sheep-Haiku Crossover
“You can get with this,
Or you can get with that...” *Check
out two weeks ago.
~J~

Little Shop of Horrors
“Cause I’m a den-tist,
And a success! Say “ah!” (“Ah!”)
Say “AH!” (“AH!!!”) Now SPIT!!!
~J~

(I really wanted
To fit in Miley Cyrus
But she's too complex)
~P~

A Face Without "Freckles" Is
"Like a sky without
"Stars. Why waste a second not
"Loving who you are?"
~P~

"Overnight Celebrity" - Annotated
'Dre said, "I hope that
"You are the one. If not, you
Are the prototype."
~P~

"Hey Julie," I swear
"It's so hard to bear...
"And I'd never make it through
"Without you around."
~P~

[Un]Safety Dance
A Crocodile Mile:
"You run, you slide, you hit the
"Bump and take a dive."
~P~

Why I Walked 500 Miles
Just to be-the-man-
Who-walked-a-thou-sand-miles-to-
Fall-down-at-your-door
~J~

Sharing American Culture with Yugoslavian Girls
Yeah, I liked D.U.,
I sang Humptey in Russia.
I knew all the words.
~S~

Shock G
Humptey’s nose was “big,
Like a pickle” yet still got
Lovin’ from the ladies
~S~

Gangsta Rapper’s Origins (aka What!?!?!)
“I never clown a’
‘round when I hang around with
The Underground.” Say...
~S~

Dan Akroyd/2Pac Mashup
“It’s the same old song,”
One and a half hit wonder.
“All around the world.”
~S~

Lyrics - Lunae

Original Mashup
“She told me to walk
This way.” Rockers and rappers
Get the best of both!
~S~

"Ink of ... scholar ... worth
more than ... blood of a martyr,"
Lupe's righteous cry.
~N~

Party Life
"Art with no easel,
"Please: there's no equal;" Hov's best
Since Blueprint's sequel.
~P~

Catch You on the Pharcyde
"...She goes again: the
"Dopest Ethiopian
"Keeps passing me by"
~P~

Mortal Kombat
Lil' Wayne asks that you
"Peep the shoe game; all [his] kicks
"Are fly like Liu Kang."
~P~

Rolling with Jungle Love
“Oh-La Oh-La, Aayy”
was Kid N’ Play. The Time said
“O-wee, O-wee, O!”
~J~

All That Glitters
“The Glamorous Life -
without love, it ain’t much,” quoth
The divine Ms. E.
~J~

What’s in a Name?
“My name is Prince – and
I am FUNKY!” Though later,
His name wasn’t Prince.
~J~

OR

“My name is Prince – and
I am FUNKY!” As opposed
to Will “Fresh Prince” Smith.
~J~

Follow the Bouncing Ball

Altitude
People may call it
“getting high” because of the
effects on climbers
~J~

Amplitude (no air in space)
The sound effects of
dogfights in the “Star Wars” films
are a bogus force
~J~

Magnitude
For Eric Lensherr
Attractiveness has more force
than for most of people
~J~

Haiku for Villains—In the Interest of Equal Time

For that Colossus of Scholarship (Shout Out [Sorbiquet])
Cecil Rhodes was an
Anglophile of the worst kind:
Mirror-Mugabe
~P~

Multinational Corporations (Shout Out Amanda [Diva])
40 MNCs
On my block; the new Wal-Mart
Makes for 41
~P~

Hamburglar (Shout Out Jorvorskie Lane)
Being an addict
Is no excuse for stealing
Seek McCounseling
~P~

Brangelina (Shout Out Shiloh)
Maybe we should blame
Jennifer for not being
Attractive enough
~P~

Agent Smith
"Humans...a virus"
Like so many, he became
What he despised most.
~J~

Psychomachia
What nobler purpose?
Removing our worst aspects.
Result: Mr. Hyde.
~J~

Genesis 3:1
So much damage wrought
By an enemy bearing
no arms and no legs.
~J~

Wicked Perspective
Crusher of women.
Thief. Fugitive. Murderer.
Behold...Dorothy.
~J~

Beam me up Scotty...twice, please. (with appologies to Mr. Irons)
Transport accident,
Removing our worst aspects.
Result: Wimpy Kirk
~S~

All mixed up, don’t know what to do
One Holden Caufield,
Society was his worst
enemy: himself.
~S~

Vampire Perspective (the book version!) (again, with appologies to Mr. Irons)
Captor of women,
[Thief]. Fugitive. Murderer.
Behold...”Hero” Will Smith.
~S~

This Week We Haiku for Villains—In the Interest of Equal Time

Banality of Godwin
While we assume that
Villainy is inhumane
Animals don't sin
~P~

Idi Amin
My ex-bff
Thought The Last King of Scotland
Was about James V
~P~

Scar+Shere Khan>>Simba+Mowgli
Disney must want us
To like its villains, since they
Have the best voices
~P~

'Battlefield Earth' is Mitt Romney's Favourite Novel[1]
No one says where the
Enemy in Top Gun is
Supposed to be from
~P~

Villain or Victim?
A wretched creature.
Soul-twisted by the One Ring.
What’s taters, Precious?
~J~

One of the Best You’ve Never Heard Of
John Bly of “Brisco”.
Underrated foe in an
underrated show.
~J~

Why Hannibal Was So Terrifying
None “drove him to it”.
Lecter’s evil was simply
a matter of choice.
~J~

A Galaxy Far, Far Away...
Was Jabba so tough?
Did anyone ever try
pouring salt on him?
~J~

This Week We Haiku for Villains

Hitler or Magneto
Real or fictional,
They all represent evil.
The dark side of Man.
~S~

Your Turn
It’s a meager start,
But I know you’ll help me out.
Go! Write some haiku
~S~

This or That - جمعھ

Intellectual Property
Reading the book first
lets me feel superior
when I watch the film.
~J~

To Paraphrase My Mom...
Best to have something
And then not need it, than to
need, but not have it.
~J~

Presidential Parties
There are Democrats,
Republicans, and voters
whose guy never wins.
~J~

DIY Valentine’s Gift
Candy or Flowers?
Think outside the box, people!
Give cookbooks and seeds!
~J~

Ambigu-dextrous
Right or left-handed?
As a kid, I was both. Then
I got my mind “right”.
~J~

To Be or Not To Be
That is the question.
Is it nobler to suffer
the slings and arrows...
~J~

This or That - جمعرات

Secret Origins
Me: Evolution
Them: Intelligent Design
Wherein lies the truth?
~S~

Belly Talk
I have an Innie,
I figured we all had one!
Some have an Outie...
~S~

Man or Machine
Robot or Human?
I prefer Col. Austin,
Cyborg. Best of both.
~S~

Healthy Choices
Super size it or
medium fries and a coke.
Oh god, so lonely.
~m~

Hot Dog!
Ketchup or mustard:
such condiment decisions
make or break the meal.
~m~

Red Wine in the Afternoon
Choosy moms choose JIF
to make the kids' school lunches.
Whose mom buys Skippy?
~m~

Power to the PC
360's games rule
PS3's Blu-Ray sparkles
The Wii is still fun
~P~

Outlook Grim
Macs are for artists
PCs are for the office
Yet both run Windows?
~P~

Since they All Fall in My Palm I'll Take a Treo
iPhones create stares
BlackBerries produce addicts
Windows Mobile bores
~P~

Beatles or Rolling Stones
You may love them both,
but deep down you like one more.
Just one of those things...
~J~

Smoking or Non-Smoking Section
I may choose smoking.
Although I don’t smoke, often
they have more free seats.
~J~

Primal Needs
When I’ve worked so long
that I must choose food or sleep,
I sleep; dream of food.
~J~

This or That - بده,

Dog People or Cat people
Dogs spend their hours
Waiting for you to come home.
Cats don't know you've left.
~J~

Paper or Plastic
Either way you’re screwed -
Kill trees or fill a landfill.
Just bring a backpack.
~J~

Encouragers or Haters*
Congratulating?
Are you appreciating?
No? Then you’re hating.
~J~

*Thanks to my niece for that one

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - suk

Hypoco-friendly
Your precious Prius
Gets its electricity
From coal-burning plants
~P~

Yum! Brands for Your Feet
Converse Chuck Taylors,
Payless Shaqs and Cole Haan are
All [owned] by Nike
~P~

Jose Chung's "From Outer Space"
Aliens are real;
Otherwise pictures of them
Wouldn't look alike
~P~

Wolves? Where?
Hypertrichosis
Means "being really hairy;"
No moon is needed
~P~

Expiration Date
Products always break
ONE DAY after the warranty ends.
The Man strikes again.
~J~

Anti-Retroactive
My new 360
Won’t play my old X-Box games?
Bill Gates needs more cash?!
~J~

Why “Men In Black” Can’t Be True
What I can’t believe,
is that Smith & Jones could just
blend into a crowd.
~J~

Alien DNA Conspiracy?
Me, Air Force Brat. Born:
Wright-Patterson Air Force Base,
Where aliens live!
~S~

Truly Unfortunate
His discomfort grows.
She shifts nervously. Silence...
Viagra’s failed them.
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - pharuehat

Off the Rack
Stores like Old Navy
make me pay to wear clothes that
advertise for them.
~J~

Chance Encounter
I met The Man once...
“Why keep screwing me?” I asked.
He said, “And you are...?”
~J~

Animal Cruelty
For the love of God,
Stop torturing the rabbit...
Let him have his Trix.
~J~

Breast Reversal
The same docs who charged
To implant defective breasts
charged to remove them.
~J~

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Biggie and 2Pac.
Nobody saw nuthin’, right?
Not counting the cops.
~J~

Late Night TV
Ah, infomercials -
Where to begin? How about
with “Bald spot spray paint”?
~J~

The Second Ammendment (circa 1992)
When pogs are outlawed,
only outlaws will have pogs.
"... from my cold, dead hands!"
~m~

Of My i
ipods are shiny
so they scratch easily and,
you buy new ipods.
~m~

Glass Heeling
Men invented heels,
but why do women insist
on so many pairs?
~m~

Requiem for a Meme
So disappointed.
Subservient chicken is
just a viral ad.
~m~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - phut

The Button at the Crosswalk
That button’s there
To give us something to do.
It ain’t hooked up, y’all.
~J~

Alternate Street Parking
New York meter maids
Can’t wait for 3-day weekends.
They know you sleep late...
~J~

DST
Daylight Savings Time!
BUNK! I call shenanigans!
Don’t get me started!!
~J~

“Say it Ain’t So, Joe!”
A dual entry;
The White Sox scandal, of course,
and the quote’s a fake.
~J~

Open Letter to the Matrix
Since the world’s a lie,
why not hook a brother up
with that lottery?
~J~

Goes Without Saying
Threat level orange!
Weapons of mass destruction!
Mission Accomplished!
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - angkhan

McScam
Drive-thrus hedge their bets -
They take the cash first, and hope
You won't check the bag.
~J~

Red Carpets Cut Red Tape
When “science” and “facts”
won’t help you spread your message...
Go win an Oscar!
~J~

Naughty or Nice
Letters to Santa
Bring less gifts than those to the
Illuminati.
~J~

Moon Landing Hoax
Tranquilty Base,
This one’s for you to haiku.
You know who you are!
~S~

Faith Tells Me
Is it? Could it be?
Religion-Conspiracy.
Some say yes, some no.
~S~

Tabloids Lie
Tupac and Elvis
Aren’t protected witnesses.
They are dead, folks. Dead.
~H~

Crossroads double cross
For Robert Johnson
The quest for fame turned deadly
Faustian bargain
~H~

Twasn’t the man
That felled Marion
But crack and the FBI
“The b**** set me up”
~H~

Have you seen Capricorn One?
Ionizing Radiation
Coronal Mass Ejections
Yo! Van Allen Belts!
~W~

http://www.apple.com/macbookair/
Microsoft may rule
Offices and OSes
But Apple owns cool
~P~

Ourobulimia
In '73:
CBS sold Viacom.
'05? Vice versa.
~P~

Hype is (from) Universal
Kanye and [Curtis]
Battled for the Billboard spot
On the same label
~P~

What “30-day Free Trial” Really Means
“We hope you’ll forget
you signed up for this, then we
can start charging you.”
~J~

General Warning
Alcohol’s not bad,
And neither are cigarettes.
But pot’s a KILLER!
~J~

End of an Era
I was overjoyed
When Netflix killed Blockbuster.
And now for Starbuck’s...
~J~

Lowest Common Denominator
Buns (in packs of six),
And hot dogs (packs of eight), make
shoppers buy in bulk.
~J~

Monopolies, Conspiracies, and THE MAN - Definite

The Man
Just who is the man?
“How is he defined?” I ask.
I say he’s not me!
~S~

My Definition
We’re all little cogs
In the machine, and The Man
controls the software

Anytime Group A
Enters conflict with Group B,
The Man sells tickets.

Whenever someone
can’t do what they want to do,
The Man set it up.

It’s just like fate, ‘cept
Afterwards someone got paid -
You guessed it: The Man!

He is everyone,
And he’s no one; hangs out with
The “they” from “They say...”
~J~

Kudos
Bravo! Excellent!
The Man would sure be appalled!
You nailed it, dead on.
~S~

Crimen & Punishment - Frigedæg

Collateral Damage
He huffed, and he puffed,
And he blew their houses in!
No word from FEMA.
~J~

I Swear to Tell the Truth...
“Question, Your Honor -
You think I’m a killer, but
too noble to lie?”
~J~

Violet Crimes
Her gum-chewing ways
Earned her 25 to life;
as a blueberry.
~J~

See My Divest
Being able to
Use the Sherman Act would make
Monopoly fun
~P~

Boast & Toast
Deal: I'll stop snitching
When rappers stop being self-
Incriminating
~P~

John Pickering
The Senate first used
"High crimes and misdemeanors"
For impeaching drunks
~P~

Mann Act Up
Boxer Jack Johnson
Saved saved his wife from a brothel
And went to prison
~P~

Crime & Punishment - Þunresdæg

What the French, Toast?
These days, a potty mouth
earns British gum, instead of
A mouth full of soap.
~J~

Public Enemies
Malcolm and Martin.
Mandela, [Gandhi], and more.
Rebels with a cause.
~J~

Tainted Love
When I was a boy,
A fair maiden stole my heart -
I got her back, though.
~J~

Crime & Punishment - Wēdnes dæg

Synonymous Doesn't Mean the Same
To "Invite and House"
does not mean the same as to
"Draw and Quarter"
~J~

Caufield Complex
I feel for Holden,
Caught up in hipocracy.
Alone. Lost. Afraid.
~S~

The Phantom Zone
True “no-frills” prison -
You don’t even get to keep
your third dimension.
~J~

One’s Known for Crime, One’s Known for Punishment
I used to mix up,
IRA and IRS.
Bombing and taxes.
~S~

When Scattergories gets ugly (or Irons family game night)
“Ice Cream Popsicle”
Cold phrase sparked heated debate
Verdict? Brotha, please.
~H~


- Why You Shouldn’t Piss Off the Gods -

Tantalus
Hollow...empty ache...
No concept of “taste”... a dream
long since forgotten.
~J~

Arachne
They weave to this day.
Descendents of she who spun
wool like no other.
~J~

Prometheus
The light of mankind
Purchased with the tortured flesh
Of the last Titan
~J~

Narcissus
Love proved his downfall;
The goddess’ love for him,
And his for himself
~J~

Crime & Punishment - Tiwes dæg

Clean Getaway
Kids don't realize
that cookie crumbs constitute
damning evidence.
~J~

Smart Trip
Back-doors on the bus
Open, as if begging you:
"Do not pay your fare"
~P~

That's a Real World Challenge
Before GTA
Runing down pedestrians
Was but a pipe dream
~P~

Qatar-Middle East
Your peers detest you
When you never skip classes
But too much means "F"s
~P~

Crime & Punishment

Universal Language
The silent treatment
is aptly named; since talking
digs you in deeper.
~J~

Fashion Trends
Hip-Hop 101:
Jail time for pimps or dealers
is like the new black.
~J~

Negative Reinforcement
“Time-outs” for my dad
Meant time out of his schedule
To whup my behind.
~J~

Iowa Cockahoop
Underage drinking
Poses less of a threat than
Underage voting
~P~

Yo-ho-ho and A Barrel of BitTorrent
Music "piracy"
Lacks the swashbuckling of its
Nautical namesake
~P~

Timeout N.E.S.
Going to my room
Stopped deterring my mischief
After Nintendo
~P~

I Ledge a Peegance...
In the War on Drugs,
Uncle Sam retreated
from prohibition.
~J~

Wheel in the Sky
If Karma’s a [snitch],
It’s only because we all
keep abusing her.
~J~

Pre-packaged Bliss
Given what’s in it,
letting Timmy have dessert
is worse punishment.
~J~

Bittersweet Victory
Cheat codes aren’t as fun
Now that game developers
want us to find them.
~J~

Revenge… Russian style
Dostoevsky’s tome
On murderous thoughts made real
Inspired this haiku
~H~

Humbled by their honor
The Supreme Court! Lord!
My Black ancestors fought hard
For my right to write.
~H~

Karma
All things in cycles
All energy good and bad
Is returned. Ache.
~H~

Jinx! Buy Me a Coke!
Having uttered words
in unison, I hereby
demand my bounty.
~J~

Video Rental Warning (aka: Behold the Range of Tim Robbins)
“Hudsucker Proxy”,
“Shawshank Redemption”. Do NOT
get these films mixed up.
~J~

Kung Fu Justice
Take your lives and go!
But leave your limbs where they are -
They belong to ME!
~J~

Boundaries, Borders and Bridges – With Epilogue

Deadline
We scramble like mad,
Because one minute too late
Means it won’t matter
~J~

Flatline
Stress? Diet, maybe?
Her life, others’ lives drift by -
Arm numbs, vision blurs...
~J~

Lifeline
An ocean of light...
They struggle to reel her back
from the other side.
~J~

Headline: $100 Million to the Moon
“Life’s too short!”, she said.
“Near-death Survivor Buys Trip
To See the Heavens”
~J~

Welcome to ‘08!
May all of your syllables
Add up correctly
~J~